Why Prometheus is terrible.

I know a lot of you here liked this movie, but I found someone who brilliantly wrote a summery of this movie and it's downright idiocy. Keep in mind I did not write this, but I loved it so much that I think you should all read it. Here it goes. This is held up to be cinematic brilliance by the fans here. Ten million years ago (according to Ridley) on a planet that may not be earth (despite Ridley also saying it was ten million years ago) an alien stood at the lip of a waterfall and ingested gloop which killed him. This (according to Ridley) is an engineer seeding life (despite life already being there and despite there being much less nasty ways of accomplishing spreading DNA around). But hey, religion, because this is a movie about religion and if you want people doing crazy stupid things for no good reason then religion is by far the best way for them to rationalise their stupid actions. Anyway this event, which may have happened on another planet, despite it clearly intended to be this planet 10 million years ago, produced us. (Trumpets please!) Except if you know anything about evolution then this explanation is clearly bunk, and from here on in you only know it will get worse. So, the aliens continued to visit and interact with ancient civilisations because obviously we need aliens as an explanation to tell us how to pile rocks into pointy shapes, despite us knowing that's the only tall stable structure you can build if your civilisation hasn't invented mortar. Whatever, the aliens apparently interacted with us, such that we believed them gods and they left us lots of star maps. Except they didn't draw these themselves with lasers or anything, creating perfectly accurate maps, no, they let primitive man finger daub and chisel these bloody maps everywhere. That they did this is explained later by Holloway and Shaw who we're introduced to on the Isle of Skye who discover yet another star map and this somehow convinces them more concretely than the previous half dozen they already know about, that our gods were aliens. So anyway, some point between the Isle of Skye and the next scene, Holloway and Shaw meet Peter Wayland who is obsessed with not dying and who pays out a trillion dollars to toddle off into space based on finger daubings 35,000 years out of date on a planet where the stars undergo precession and not only that, move. He builds the Prometheus, because having done one spaceship which carried a foreboding name, Ridley Scott just can't help doing it again. Anyway, the Prometheus we see in the next shot, merrily blasting it's way through the stars, it's engines kicking out loads of noise which you can't actually hear in space. Then we cut to the inside, to see android David wandering about. There is gravity on the ship. At some point in the future we have mastered gravity, meaning we don't actually need the large engines, but whatever. David beams messages to the Engineers, invades peoples dreams just to let you know who the religious one is on board and talks to Weyland who is faking his own death for reasons which are never offered. The crew wake up as they approach LV-223. Charlize Theron wakes up and does pushups and a lot of people think Ridley is great for making it ambiguous she's an android despite this scene. She's just a hardass. The crew establish themselves as unlikeable halfwits, hired by an unlikeable hardass for a trillion dollar mission because hey, the budget ran out and they couldn't hire competent people. There's a briefing, wherein they're told they've all come all this way because two dolts made a stellar assumption based on old finger paintings and a crazy trillionaire believed them. The biologist mentions 300 years of Darwin which might make a mockery of her theory. Shaw ignores him and he's later killed first for the temerity of using his brain (the only time in the movie he actually does). Shaw meanwhile seems happy to reconcile the belief that we're created by aliens and a belief in God. Clearly she's an idiot. We arrive at LV-223, a moon orbiting a gas giant. On earth, when one side of the planet is near the sun the other side is at night. This short difference in distance results in the temperature differentials between night and day. Consider now, I invite you, what the temperature would be like on a similar body orbiting a gas giant between when it's close to the sun and when it's on the far side of the planet. Yeah. I know, right? Consider also that gas giants have massive gravitational force, such that they can cause tidal phenomena in rock just as our moon can cause it in water. Now look at the planet. Yeah. I know, right? Anyway, the Prometheus plunges into the atmosphere, because that's what you do, you don't orbit, don't survey, don't scan, don't do any of those things you might want to do before landing. No, you just plunge right in. Amazingly, they find a pyramid and some Nazca lines straight away because -movies. There is six hours of daylight left. Gotta pile out and explore then! The atmosphere we've already been told has toxic level of carbon dioxide, except it doesn't because - science fail (there's a lot of them). We're told as they're suiting up that David doesn't breathe. Bear this in mind when he later plays a flute people. We also see they've apparently only brought one security guy. Because that's what you do. We also see this guy thinks a flamethrower is the way to go because - hey, Alien movie. They go into the pyramid (why is it a pyramid? because Ridley has apparently become affected by Freemasonry somewhere along the line, hence this comparative mythology garbage we're watching). The geologist has mapping balls which he releases. Again, we've built these things and yet there's large engines on the ship, but whatever. We're 25 minutes in, the movie is staggering under the weight of it's own idiocy and yet there's more to come.