Lawrence of Arabia
MemberChestbursterAugust 10, 2017"So, get this, they build this massive base on the alien planet and start terraforming, and yet, despite all their investment in technology and research into conditions, the colonists, who, no doubt, passed all the colonist tests, not only fail to detect exo-biological components in the air (surely they must be floating in the air there since there is a hanger-sized underground nest full of eggs, as seen in Alien, open to the atmosphere) but they also fail to be the least bit disturbed by/curious about the massive alien juggernaut a short drive away from their base for decades. DECADES!! Oh, man, I almost walked out.
Then — so bad — rather than sending cost-effective (no-hypersleep apparatuses) military programmed robots (contamination resistant) to the planet to see what is going on, they send a bunch of lunkhead, easily excitable/killable human marines. And, since the colonists have lost all contact (disease?), surely there is nothing IN THE AIR to be concerned about, so in the marines go — and these are professionals — WITHOUT CONTAMINATION SUITS. That part made me so angry I went into the theatre bathroom locked myself in a stall to cool down.
Then I came back and sat down and saw them get even more stupid, firing their guns in all directions regardless of pressurized piping, flammable storage tanks, etc. that could have blowed them all up for good. I cursed the screen, cursing the dumb thing that I saw.
And then that tall bossy lady makes everyone wait at great peril so she can hunt for the little brat. And — and this is supposed to be the main protagonist of this woeful mess — rather than leaving quietly with the brat, puts the brat WHOM SHE JUST SAVED in needless jeopardy AGAIN to satisfy her selfish desire for vengeance (the place was going to be nuked anyway!), by flaming the bugs all up causing the whole nest to give chase. We are supposed to be cheering this lady? I stomped out and washed my hands multiple times to wipe off all the dooey decisions I’d seen made on the screen.
Then I went back in and sat down. By this time I’d already seen at least 69 dumb things. I and saw -- I couldn’t believe it -- that after nobody had noticed an elephant-sized alien had snuck on board, not even the robot, until it was too late, and after the tall lady utters a Schwarzenegger line at the bug, she almost gets sucked into space, gripping the rungs of an airlock ladder while a MULTI-TON mother alien clutches her ankle and the vacuum suction of space tries to pull them both down. But after hyper sleep, her arms are toned, so she climbs twenty some feet of ladder despite all the pulling on her, NOT EVEN USING HER LEGS because they keep getting sucked down. I was enraged because I knew in my mind that it could never happen like that and it was a dumb thing I’d seen on the screen to have happened the way it did. Dumb characters making dumb sucky decisions, implausible doo doo events sprayed all over the place, more than you could ever drop in a year, the movie sucked/was dumb!!"
This was a review for Aliens back in the day as it was released. Sounds familiar huh?
"The trick, William Potter, is not minding that it hurts."
